When I first came out as a transgender woman, I was excited to finally be able to live my truth. However, I realized that even though I am expressing femme, people often use masculine pronouns to refer to me. Just the other day I was on a call with someone I had been in contact with over emails for three months. They referred to me using He pronouns, although my email signature carries my pronouns (She/They). 

It is frustrating and sometimes honestly even hurtful. To me, these experiences also serve to reinstate just how deeply ingrained the gender binary is in our language, social relationships and culture. The gender binary shapes how we as individuals make sense of the world around us. I personally and with empathy understand that it can be challenging to get around inclusive language at first. 

Only at the age of 29 in the year 2020, did I accept my transgender self. That’s a long while attempting to play the role of a man. Everyone in my life, including me had only ever used he/him pronouns to refer to me up until then. 

I took me a few months to get my own pronouns right. A few close friends around me had begun to use she/her pronouns for me. Every time I heard that I would be elated and euphoric. Yet in those months, I would often refer to myself as He and have my wonderful partner at the time correct me. 

Something that helped me was practicing by myself. During the last months of the lockdown I would have conversations out loud with myself. Addressing myself as "she" instead of "they". It may have looked silly, but it really helped me get more comfortable with the language. One of the main reasons I started referring to myself in the third person.

Another challenge I faced was using gender-neutral pronouns like "they/them" instead of just "he/him" or "she/her." It wasn't that I didn't want to use them. I had been using binary pronouns my whole life, and it took some time to get used to a new way of speaking. Our language has been structured around the gender binary of "he" and "she" for centuries, and it does become deeply ingrained in our minds.

Something that did help me is to start using gender-neutral pronouns in writing, like in emails, social media bios or texts. It's easier to take the time to think about which pronouns to use when you're not under the pressure of a face-to-face conversation. Admittedly like in the email incident, I mentioned at the beginning, it may not carry over just as easily to spoken conversations. But it’s definitely a good starting point. 

When it comes to using gender pronouns for other people, I simply ask if they don’t offer them on the introduction. If you're unsure of someone's pronouns, just ask them politely, please don't assume. Most people will appreciate the effort you're making to use the correct language.

The use of inclusive language is not just about being politically correct, or woke or with the times. It's about creating a more inclusive environment for all individuals, regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation. For example, He is a mechanical engineer and She is a mechanical engineer, may invoke traditional gender roles and stereotypes in a world defined by the gender binary. But They are a mechanical engineer, leaves gender out of the conversation and can be empowering to cisgender folk as well.

“It's okay to mess up” @liactuallee a non-binary queer artist taught me. When we first met I would sometimes misgender them. “Sincerely apologize, correct yourself and move on.” they made me understand. They could tell that I was making a genuine effort and appreciated it.

“It's okay to mess up” @liactuallee a non-binary queer artist taught me. When we first met I would sometimes misgender them. “Sincerely apologize, correct yourself and move on.” they made me understand. They could tell that I was making a genuine effort and appreciated it.

“It's okay to mess up” @liactuallee a non-binary queer artist taught me. When we first met I would sometimes misgender them. “Sincerely apologize, correct yourself and move on.” they made me understand. They could tell that I was making a genuine effort and appreciated it. It’s understood that even with the best of intentions, we all make mistakes. I mean I misgendered myself for the majority of life.

This one time in a meeting with several people, I misgendered @liactuallee and ended up panicking. I gave a monologue about how sorry I was and that as a Transgender person I should be able to get their pronouns right. But this ended up derailing the meeting and the ongoing discussion. It bought everyone’s attention to Li and their pronouns. Which of course wasn’t what my intention was. Later Li patiently explained, “If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun or use gendered language when you shouldn't, don't panic! Just apologize, correct yourself, and move on.”

I did struggle for a while with using inclusive language and gender pronouns. It took me time to get used to a new way of speaking, but let me tell you, it's absolutely worth it. Being open-minded, practicing, and listening to the experiences of others have helped me become a kinder person and a more present friend than I was. I've learned that it's not about striving for perfection, an endeavor that can be daunting and stressful. It's about making a genuine effort to listen, understand and care for others, an endeavor I found to be be enriching, expansive and rewarding.